This entry came to me in the most covert of ways...in fact, I cannot even hint at how I know this person, as it would hurt too many innocent people. I know it sounds like I live an exciting life, but unfortunately, it is only the reverberations of excitement, the hollow echo of a life I can only dream of.
It was so very good to see her, though she seemed quite exhausted, she was her ever-cheerful self, giggling at her story and the direction her life has taken. I also cannot divulge what she does for a living; she truly serves humanity and gets very little thanks in return. While describing her job to me, I of course sat in a puddle of shame, knowing I did not have the where-with-all to serve my fellow man as she does, day in and day out. I live the life of a self-absorbed artist; an extravagance of which I am intensely aware.
The piece of paper she handed to me was a choice I had made; I could have listened to her specific story, or settled for a general story with the promise of more stories to come, from other people. There are some things in life which come easily. This decision was one of them; when a person offers you a story, a story which they think defines them, you accept.
"I like that she is collecting stories. I guess that I see my first job in life as a collector of stories (ever since I was a child) and I empathize. She wants them and I don't want them, ironic. We both like ironic.
I guess this topic of fear and desire has given me an excuse for reflection. Living in a house with one co-dependent and one self-absorbed parent gave me good and bad examples of both traits taken to the extreme. My main ideas of what these emotions are still resonate with their personalities. I see desire as narcissistic, arrogant, analytical and goal driven. My dad is a master of achieving his desires with very little fears allowed, looked at or talked about. This has tempered over time as his marriages continued to blow up and he has realized that fame, riches, brilliance, and good looks do not stop one from facing their demons in the mirror at times. Fear is exemplified by my mom now: people pleasing, stifling herself and being unfulfilled by promising too much to too many and being ineffectual. Fear has continued to grow in her mainly because she has re-married an anxious man and his pattern is in both of them now.
I used to live totally enmeshed with others and in fear when I was a young child. I was so shy it paralyzed me. After a few bad things happened I started to act out with hidden yet extreme deviance. As a teenager, I hooked up with a young alcoholic who added more craziness, co-dependence and lots more fear. As I decided this relationship was worth keeping, I had to face these fears, deal with them as true possibilities and started to learn how to let them go. (Thanks, Al-anon)
The next stage (beginning when I was in my mid-twenties), started with baby steps of stopping my nihilism and focusing on my goals and desires as our relationship became solid. I was trying to stay present and not go to extremes of my fears and desires but I also stopped taking care of my health with my career taking off. After stopping cooking for a living, I threw myself into social service work and not taking breaks, eating, peeing or going home. I just realized that I have been working with these conditions for almost 20 years and as a salaried employee for over 15. This has been my stage of focusing on desire: too many pots in the fire, tunnel vision, goal driven, an endless workload and not enough self care.
When I hit my wall of disgust over obesity, I started back into mixing them together. In the old days my pattern was to just eat or use other distractions to self-soothe the fears. Then the adoption process went on and on and I would bounce back and forth in fear and desire. I tried hard not to use my old coping skills, (which were not very good ideas). Then I had the 3 bad years consisting of having surgery, moving teams and waiting for Myles. I do not know when exactly after the adoption I realized that one day I did not feel anxious anymore. It has snuck up so slowly I did not know that it had become my life.
Me and an even keel is not going to happen ever. I am either up or down in my cycle. Good is sleeping normal hours and having balance in my life. Desire is goal driven and motivated on a fixed ending while being analytical, and methodical while ignoring my health and emotions. Fear is monkey mind, getting defensive, ineffectual, generalized anxiety or hyper-focusing on one area in my life. Now I am trying to notice the symptoms of too much either way; that is when I amp up the self-care and re-framing my thoughts. It is really hard to do when there is so much to distract me now; working full time and having a young child.
I found the hard part is trying to keep the good parts of both fears and desires but to let go of the unhealthy patterns that sap my soul, body and psyche. If I was single this would not be such a bad thing but now that I am a mom, I feel that I want to be a good example in healthy choices in all areas. Dammit.
This leads into my next reflection: patterns of black and white thinking. Is today nihilistic or is it goal-driven, try-too-hard-to-do-it-well? It depends on the rest of the week and my mood....so much for healthy choices. The pendulum just keeps swinging.
